


Learn to Love Me

by live_laugh_murder



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Bisexuality, Dean Winchester Has a Sexuality Crisis, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, First Time, First Time Bottoming, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gay Male Character, Homophobic John Winchester, Hurt Dean Winchester, John Winchester Being an Asshole, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, One Night Stands, Self-Discovery, Self-Hatred, Sexuality Crisis, Young Dean Winchester, Young Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-05-24 23:48:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14964558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/live_laugh_murder/pseuds/live_laugh_murder
Summary: Dean has only ever been expected to follow two rules in his life: Take care of Sammy and follow orders with no questions asked. Unfortunately, one of those rules has taught him to hate himself for who he loves.Or, a series of events in Dean’s life that have helped him discover who he is, and learn how to accept himself for it. And maybe, just maybe, even embrace it.





	1. Kiss the Boy

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, thanks for clicking! In honor of pride month, I had to start a fic about Dean accepting his sexuality and learning to be himself. That includes with canon characters and characters that I’ve invented. I hope you enjoy!

Dean’s heart races as he approaches the steps. The house is giant — more like a mansion, really. It’s complete with perfectly trimmed bushes and a long driveway leading up to the house. It’s only a couple of blocks from the motel, so it was no big deal walking since John has the Impala.

 

He stops in front of the door, second guessing himself. Why did he even come tonight? He should probably be at the motel with Sammy. But then again, Sam was the one to convince him to go out tonight, telling him that he needed it, that he couldn’t just bury his personal shit deep down. Finally he knocks.

 

The door swings open only a few seconds later, and a tall boy with curly hair and dark eyes smiles down at him. “Dean,” he says, pleased. “I wasn’t sure if you would come.”

 

Dean shakes his head, glancing away to avoid eye contact. “Yeah, neither was I, Liam.”

 

Liam chuckles, opening the door wider and stepping to the side. “Come on in.”

 

Dean nods, stepping through the door and taking in his surroundings. The tall ceilings, elegant lighting, spiral staircases. He’s never been in a house like this. “So what do your parents have to do to live in a place like this?”

 

“Uh, surgeon and lawyer,” Liam answers, shutting the door. “Why? What do your parents do?”

 

“Huh?” Dean asks. He’s too busy looking around in awe of this house to pay attention to conversation.

 

Liam chuckles, starting to lead Dean up the stairs. “Well, you show up to school just a few months before summer vacation. I’m guessing it has to do with your parents’ jobs. So what do they do?”

 

“Oh.” Dean clears his throat. “My dad’s in, uh... pest control.”

 

“And your mom?”

 

But Dean shakes his head. “It’s just my dad, my brother and me... Wait, where are your parents? Aren’t we gonna get caught?”

 

Liam laughs. “They’re in Italy for their anniversary. It’s just us, don’t worry. Although, I do have to say, you don’t seem like the kind to be worried about getting caught.”

 

They stop in front of a door at the end of the hall, which Dean assumes is his bedroom. And when Liam opens the door, it’s like all of Dean’s nerves disappear. There’s no one around to catch him, and he knows that Liam isn’t the kind to go around telling the school what he gets up at night. He feels safe, ready to be himself for at least one night.

 

The bed is huge, and on the night stand next to it is a tray of alcohol. Three different bottles and two glasses full are waiting for them. Dean chuckles. “Now we’re talking,” he says, grabbing one of the glasses and taking a big swig.

 

Liam grins, staring in admiration. “You are too cute, Winchester.”

 

Dean looks up from the second drink he’s already pouring, chuckling at Liam closing the bedroom door and stepping closer to him. “You’re one to talk, Rich Boy,” he says, and he can’t help but reach out grab Liam by his t-shirt, pulling him closer.

 

Liam grabs Dean’s drink with one hand, and grabs his waist with his other one. After setting the glass down on the nightstand, he looks back and smirks.

 

Dean just about melts with that one look, his stomach doing flips and his heart beating hard.

 

“This is new for you, isn’t it?” Liam asks, noticing the way he reacts.

 

Dean shrugs. “You could say that.”

 

“Are you okay with it? We don’t have to — “

 

Dean rolls his eyes. “Oh, shut up.” He has to reach up to kiss him, pulling Liam down and slamming their lips together. They haven’t even done anything yet and it feels so good. He can’t remember the last time he did anything that made him feel like this.

 

When they pull away for air, Liam snickers. “Eager much?”

 

Not able to wait any longer, Dean pulls his shirt off over his head and throws it to the side. Liam does the same, and Dean has to pause to take it all in. He’s never been able to look a guy like this, not without being afraid of someone seeing him.

 

Liam smiles wide, pushing Dean back so he falls into the mattress, then climbing on top of him. He presses his lips into the skin on Dean’s neck, trailing his mouth around his chest and stomach and then making his way back up to his mouth.

 

It’s weird having someone bigger than him pinning him down. Usually that means he’s in danger and he needs to fight back. But he doesn’t fight it. He lets this wonderful feeling take him over and gives into it.

 

-

 

“Where’s Dean?” John asks, shutting the motel room door behind him.

 

Sam looks up from the television, pausing the show. “I - I thought you weren’t coming back until later.”

 

John shakes his head, grabbing a beer from the fridge. “The lead I had was a dead end. Looks like we’ll be here for another week. So where’s Dean?”

 

“He - He...” Sam stutters, trying to think up an excuse that won’t piss his father off.

 

“Sammy, answer the damn question!” John says, raising his voice.

 

“On a date!” Sam spits out. “He went on a date. Some girl from school. Dad, please — ”

 

John groans, rolling his eyes and grabbing his keys. “I told him to stay home with you.”

 

Sam huffs. “Dad, I’m fine. I can stay by myself for a few hours. He left me a gun, and I — “

 

“No, it’s not fine. He disobeyed my orders,” John says sternly. “Where did he go?”

 

Shaking his head, Sam looks down. “I... I don’t know.”

 

But John knows better. He knows that every single time Dean leaves — even if it’s just a quick trip to the store — he tells Sam exactly where he’ll be, just in case anything goes wrong. “Sam. Give me the damn address.”

 

Knowing he won’t get out of this, Sam sighs and reluctantly takes a notecard out of his pocket, handing it over to John. “Dad, please, it’s not a big deal. He’s been holed up in these motels for a month cause you haven’t let him go out. He needs this.”

 

But John ignores him, looking over the address and storming to his car.

 

-

 

Now lying on the couch in the living room, Dean can’t help but smile. He feels perfectly content just staying here for hours, snuggling up against a guy who actually seems to care about him. He knows that he’ll have to leave eventually, and that he’ll be out of this town in a few days, never to see him again. But right now he wants to forget about that.

 

“So what do you want for breakfast in the morning?” Liam asks, tracing his finger up and down Dean’s bare arm. “I’ll cook.”

 

Dean frowns. “Oh, I can’t stay overnight. I need to get back to the — to get back home. My little brother is alone and my dad’ll kill me if he finds out I left Sammy home.”

 

“Oh,” Liam sighs, obviously disappointed.

 

“But my dad won’t be home for hours, so I have plenty of time for round two. I mean, if you’re up for it,” Dean teases, sitting up. “I know I’m pretty hard to keep up with.”

 

Liam laughs softly. “Alright. You just keep talking, pretty boy. See where it gets you.” His hand grabs the side of Dean’s face, pulling him in to kiss again.

 

Dean smiles against Liam’s mouth, swinging his leg over so he’s on top of him. His hands press against Liam’s chest, and Liam’s hold Dean’s hips as Dean moves against his body, just enough to make him want more.

 

Their shirts are off, but Liam is already working on getting his own pants off as Dean moves their lips together.

 

A sound interrupts them, makes Dean’s hunter instincts kick in as he jumps up and looks around. “What’s wrong?” Liam asks.

 

“I heard something,” Dean answers quietly, whispering.

 

“I didn’t... Dean, there’s nothing there. Come on, let’s just — “

 

“Sh!”

 

Liam sits up, buttoning his pants up and standing behind Dean.

 

Dean looks around. He didn’t bring a gun with him, so he grabs a metal poker from the side of the fireplace and grips it tight by his side.

 

“Dean!” Liam exclaims, although his voice is now lowered to a whisper. “What the hell are you doing?”

 

“Just stay behind me,” Dean says quietly, leaving the living room and cautiously starting to search the house.

 

By the time he gets to the dining room, he’s sure that nothing is in the house. He’s just being paranoid, as always. Dean smiles softly, rolling his eyes at himself. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I... Overthink things, I guess.”

 

Liam chuckles, stepping closer and gently taking the poker out of Dean’s hand. He sets it on the dining room table before slipping his hand into Dean’s. “It’s okay. So... Do you still have time for that second round?”

 

Dean grins, pressing his forehead against Liam’s and looking into his beautifully dark eyes. “I can always make time for you,” he says, leaning his body into the other boy’s. He relishes in the feeling of their bare chests against each other before letting his eyes fall shut and kissing him once again.

 

But just as Dean starts to forget about the danger he thought was in the house, just as he gives into Liam again and pulls him in even closer, a pain in his shoulder snaps him out of it and pulls him away.

 

“What the hell?” Liam yells.

 

Dean stumbles for a moment, trying to register what just happened. Until he sees his father’s face. “Dad,” he says, instinctively moving further away. He knows what’s about to happen. “Please, I didn’t — “

 

“You...” John doesn’t say much for a good ten seconds, clearly shocked. “Get in the car.”

 

Dean almost does as he’s told. Almost. It’s instinct to do whatever his dad says, no questions asked. But this time he just can’t. “No.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“I’m sorry, but no,” Dean repeats. He refuses to look at neither John or Liam. His cheeks are burning red. “You can’t... You can’t just break into someone’s house.”

 

John scoffs. “Well, I tried knocking, but you were too busy to hear me,” John says, looking his son up and down in disgust.

 

“With all due respect, Mr. Winchester, get out of my house,” Liam pipes in. “I don’t want you in here.”

 

John immediately turns on him, squinting. “And who are you to talk to me like that?”

 

Liam takes a few steps back, fear in his eyes.

 

“Dad, leave him alone!” Dean exclaims, grabbing John’s jacket. “Please.”

 

John pauses, turning and glaring at Dean for a second. “I told you to stay home with Sammy. Not only did you disobey me, but you snuck out with some — some boy.”

 

Dean looks down, letting John go. “I - I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t — “

 

“You disgust me.”

 

Biting his lip hard, Dean just barely manages to hold back his tears in front of Liam. “I’m — “

 

“Get your friggin’ shirt on and go to the car. Now.”

 

John doesn’t move, waiting for Dean’s reply, which doesn’t come for a few seconds. It’s hard for him to get the words out without letting himself cry.

 

“Y - Yes, sir.”

 

And at that, John turns and heads for the door.

 

Dean immediately turns around and goes up the stairs, toward Liam’s bedroom.

 

“Dean!” Liam calls, running after him. He can’t actually catch up to him until they reach his bedroom, where Dean is putting on his shoes and shirt. “Come on. You’re just gonna leave, just like that?”

 

Dean nods, getting back to his feet. “Pretty much.”

 

“What’s up with your dad, huh? And the ‘yes, sir’? That’s a little weird, don’t you think?”

 

Not replying to that, Dean just sighs. “Thank you, Liam. Tonight was... almost perfect,” he says before heading for the door.

 

“What, no kiss goodnight?” Liam asks, half joking.

 

And, God, does Dean want to stop and go back and kiss him as hard as he can. It could possibly be the last kiss that actually means something to him for a long, long time. But he can’t. He can’t allow himself to do that, because then he would want to stay even more.

 

So he doesn’t even turn around, just shakes his head. “I’m sorry.”

 

-

 

“A boy?” John yells, practically throwing Dean into the motel room. He slams the door shut. “I leave you alone for ten minutes and you run off with a confused rich boy?”

 

Sam jumps out of bed immediately, standing between his father and his brother. “Stop! It’s not his fault, okay? I told him to go out.”

 

“Get out of the way, Sammy,” John warns.

 

Dean, finally away from Liam, lets those tears fall. He lets out a soft sob, backing up. “I’m sorry, Dad. It won’t happen again, I promise.”

 

“Damn right it won’t happen again. What made you think you could go out and act like that in the first place?”

 

Dean shakes his head, trying to wipe his eyes. “I don’t — I don’t know... He just... asked me to hang out tonight and I — “

 

“So it was him? He made you do that?”

 

“What?” Dean asks. “No, Dad! I like him. I — I wanted to...”

 

John, apparently fed up, pushes past Sam and slaps Dean across the face. He does it a few times, muttering things like, “That is it,” and “No son of mine...” “If it weren’t for this damn hunt, we’d be leaving town right now, thanks to you...”

 

Sam continues pulling on John, but failing to help his brother. “Stop! Please! Leave him alone!”

 

Dean, trying to make himself smaller and smaller, continually whispers, “I’m sorry... I’m sorry...”

 

Finally, John steps back and huffs out a breath. “Oh, man up and quit your crying. I raised a hunter, not a fairy.” And with that, he grabs a beer from the fridge and leaves the room, slamming the door behind him.

 

Sam rushes over to him, kneeling down with tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry, Dean. I didn’t know he would be home so soon.”

 

Dean shakes his head, staring ahead blankly at the closed door. “It’s okay, Sammy. Not your fault. It’s mine.”

 

-

 

The next day at school is a nightmare. Although he knows that Liam didn’t tell anyone about their night together, it feels like everyone is staring at him. It’s such a vulnerable feeling, and he hates it. So he takes a deep breath and pushes back his shoulders, striding with confidence down the halls, acting as if nothing is wrong.

 

When he reaches his locker, he lets his smile fall behind the open door. He stares into the locker, tapping nervously on the metal before reaching for his textbook for his first class.

 

A hand on his shoulder makes him jump, and he turns around to find the last person he wanted to see today, staring him down with the most concerned, loving look that Dean has ever seen.

 

“How are you, Dean? Last night ended kinda badly,” Liam says.

 

Dean shrugs, closing his locker quickly and stepping past Liam to start walking down the hall. “I’m fine.”

 

“Wait, where are you going?” Liam asks, walking after Dean.

 

“Class.”

 

“The bell doesn’t ring for another fifteen minutes... Come on, can we just talk?”

 

Dean shakes his head, refusing to turn around and look at him. “No, we can’t.”

 

“Your Dad isn’t here!” Liam exclaims. “You’re safe here, you can be — “

 

Dean stops in his tracks, turning on Liam and glancing around to make sure no one is looking. “Keep your damn voice down,” he says in a low whisper.

 

Liam sighs sadly, nodding and continuing to talk in a quiet voice. “Listen, Dean. I like you. I care about you. You’re the first decent, honest guy I’ve met in a long time.”

 

“Trust me, Liam, I am not the person you think I am,” Dean says.

 

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

 

“Just - “ Dean huffs. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this. It’s not me. I gotta go.”

 

So he turns and starts to walk away, but Liam reaches out and grabs Dean’s wrist, pulling him back.

 

Dean winces, groaning in pain and looking down at the arm that Liam is still holding. Liam looks down, too, eyes widening at the sight of the bruises. “Are those... Dean, oh, my God.”

 

Dean quickly pulls his sleeve down over his wrist, looking around at the students swarming around them, hoping no one saw. “It’s fine. I’ve had them for a while.”

 

“No, those weren’t there last night... Dean, that’s not okay.”

 

Shaking his head, Dean rubs his face stressfully. “It’s fine. It’s... a complicated life I have.”

 

“But - “

 

“You can’t tell anyone,” Dean says seriously. “Okay? You didn’t see anything.”

 

Liam looks at him in disbelief. “Are you kidding me? Your father is a - a monster! I can’t just — “

 

Fed up with the whole thing, Dean grabs Liam by the shirt and pushes him up against a locker. “You don’t know anything about me. Never, ever insult my family again. If you tell anyone about what happened between us, I swear — “

 

“What? You’ll kill me?”

 

Dean huffs in frustration. “Just don’t tell anyone. Just... Forget about it. Forget about me, forget you ever met me. I’m never coming back to this town, anyway. Goodbye, Liam.” And with that, he lets him go and storms down the hallway.

 

Sam manages to catch up with him, grabbing his jacket and pulling him back. “Where are you going?”

 

“Back to the motel. I can’t be here anymore.”

 

“And what are you gonna do the rest of the week?”

 

Dean just shrugs. “Guess I’ll skip the rest of the week too. I’m sure dad’ll be plenty happy that I’m not in the same building as the guy I slept with.”

 

And he glances back, meeting the eyes of Liam, staring after him with a mixture of sadness and confusion and hurt. Then he takes a breath, turns, and walks away from the boy forever.


	2. Fear and Violence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean has another encounter with John, and Sam accidentally makes him feel worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is gonna be the last chapter that takes place before canon, so next chapter will be without John (so hopefully it’ll be happier).

Dean grins widely, downing the rest of his beer and stumbling over to Sam, who’s sitting a table in the corner of the bar. “Sammy!” he yells, throwing his arms in the air.

 

Sam chuckles, rolling his eyes. “You’re ridiculous.”

 

“Go get a drink,” Dean slurs. “You’re no fun.”

 

“I’m only here to drive you home, man.”

 

Dean shrugs, laughing at nothing. “Don’t judge me. It’s my 21st birthday and you don’t think I’m gonna get drunk off my ass and celebrate?”

 

“It’s not like you’ve never had a drink before. You’ve been drunk plenty of times.”

 

“Yeah, but now it’s legal.”

 

“Nothing about what we do is legal, dude,” Sam points out.

 

Dean just stays silent, staring at him as if he’s thinking hard about his statement. Just as he’s about to reply, though, a man walks by him, catching his eye. He has blond hair and piercing blue eyes, and Dean can’t help but stare after him as he walks away.

 

But after a moment, he snaps out of it and turns back to his brother. “I’m so drunk, man. Let’s go home.”

 

Sam’s mouth turns up a little. “No way. I saw that.”

 

“What? Saw what? Nothing to see,” Dean insists. “Let’s go home.”

 

But Sam shakes his head and stands up. And then his hands are grabbing Dean’s shoulders, like he’s psyching him up. “Dean. I’m serious. You can’t just push those feelings you have down. It’s not healthy, man.”

 

Dean sighs. “Sammy, I can’t. I mean, Dad — “

 

“Dad doesn’t get to decide who you are!” Sam exclaims, frustrated. “He won’t be home for hours, anyway.”

 

“That’s what you said last time. And you remember what happened.”

 

Sam is quiet for a moment, then looks away. They never really talked about it. “I’m sorry about that, Dean. Really.”

 

“No, Sam, it’s not your fault. I’m not mad at you for it, I’m just — You know what? Screw home. I’m getting another drink.”

 

Before Sam can stop him, Dean has walked away, back to the bar. “Dammit,” Sam sighs.

 

-

 

“Sammy... Sam!” Dean slurs, giggling. “I... I want a cheeseburger.”

 

Sam rolls his eyes, basically holding all of Dean’s weight as they enter the motel room. “Okay, let’s get you in bed and I’ll go get you some food.”

 

Dean snickers, stumbling with Sam over to his bed and falling face first into the mattress. He laughs harder, burying his face in a pillow. “Go get me... get me burger, Sammy.”

 

Sam huffs. “You’re welcome, asshole.”

 

Dean hears the sound of the door closing, and looks up to find the room empty. He giggles again, humming to himself and getting up. He nearly falls over multiple times as he makes his way over to the fridge. He doesn’t know what exactly he’s looking for, but he’s bored.

 

His mind wanders to the guy he saw in the bar. Every fiber of his drunk being regrets not talking to him, but it’s too late. God, he was attractive. “Pretty...” Dean says softly, humming a tune to himself. “Pretty boy... I met a pretty boy...”

 

The sound of the door opening and closing makes him jump, and he turns to find John standing in the doorway. Throwing his gun down on the table, he sighs tiredly and looks up at Dean, who looks spooked. “What’s wrong with you?”

 

And Dean just starts giggling and chuckling, and it turns into all out laughter. “You scared me!”

 

Looking completely fed up, John rolls his eyes and takes a seat on his bed. “You’re drunk.”

 

Dean nods, stumbling over. “Very, very drunk. Sammy took me out.”

 

“What were you doing drinking so much on a Monday night?” John asks, scoffing.

 

Dean’s silent for a few moments. “It’s my birthday. I’m... 21. Don’t you remember?” He looks so sad, heartbroken.

 

“Oh. Yeah. I remembered,” John says, shrugging like he couldn’t care less.

 

But a moment later, Dean seems to forget about it completely and grins again, humming to himself as he wanders to motel room. “Pretty boy...” he mutters, singing softly. “I met a pretty boy...”

 

John stops, looking up and watching him silently. Dean doesn’t even realize there are eyes on him.

 

“He was sooooo pretty...” Then he gasps. “Dad! I forgot to tell you! I met a pretty boy today!”

 

John gets to his feet, slowly. “What did you say, son?”

 

“A boy! He was big and tall and had bright blue eyes and looked like — “

 

But he’s interrupted when he feels a hand across his cheek. Dean stumbles back, not because he’s drunk, but because he’s taken aback, like he doesn’t know why he’s being hit. “Dad?”

 

And again, John brings his hand down on Dean’s face, and he instinctively tries to back up into the wall. The more he’s hit, the more he snaps out of his stupor and he realizes what he had just said to his father.

 

“I’m sorry!” Dean exclaims, trying to hide his face, with his hands. “I - I’m drunk, I don’t know what I’m talking about!”

 

John takes hold of his wrists, gripping them tight and causing Dean to wince in pain, biting the inside of his cheek to stop from crying.

 

The sound of the door slamming makes Dean look over to Sam, but John doesn’t even flinch. “If you ever, ever do something like this again — “

 

Sam steps between them, looking down at Dean to make sure he’s okay before turning and staring at his father defiantly. Why does this always happen? “Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell is wrong with you?”

 

“Not me,” John says, disgusted. “He’s the problem. He’s a disgrace. A — “

 

“What kind of a father are you?” Sam yells. “What good do you do for your children?”

 

John huff, eyes narrowing. “You cannot talk to me like that, Sam.”

 

“And what’s gonna stop me? Are you gonna hit me to stop me from offending you? Cause that’ll just prove the kind of man you are.”

 

Scoffing, John crosses his arms over his chest. “I am your father, you — “

 

“And what does that have to do with anything?” Sam asks. “Does being a father automatically give you the right to treat your children like shit?” He’s quiet for a moment, then makes a daring move. He chuckles, shaking his head. “God, if only Mom could see you now...”

 

And even Dean knows that he’s crossed a line. He steps forward, busted lip and black eye throbbing. “Sammy,” he says, putting a hand on his chest.

 

John slams his hand down on a table. “Don’t you dare — “

 

“She would be so disappointed, wouldn’t she? Seeing the kind of life you raised us in, the way you treat us.”

 

“I gave you a good life!” John screams, stepping forward.

 

Dean grabs Sam’s shirt, thinking he would cower back in fear. But he stands his ground, looking straight into his father’s eyes. And Dean stares at his brother in awe. How is it even possible to act like this? To stand up and criticize your father with no fear?

 

“Do you actually believe that?” Sam asks. “Do you really think, from the bottom of whatever heart you have left, that forcing your children to risk their lives everyday and teaching them to push down who they really are, is a good life?” At John’s silence, Sam rolls eyes and shakes his head. “Wow. You really are all kinds of messed up.”

 

John stares Sam down for a few moments before looking behind him at Dean. “If you ever pull this kind of stunt again...” he threatens, looking his son up and down in disgust. “You’re not my son...”

 

And that does it for Dean. Those words ring in his ears. He vaguely hears Sammy yell, “I hate you!” as John leaves and slams the door shut.

 

Dean stands frozen, biting the inside of his lip, trying to process what just happened as he stares at a spot across the room. The feeling inside him is new. Not sadness or anger at the way he’s being treated. But hatred. At himself. He stands there, so full of hatred for himself, all because his father keeps telling him how disgusting he is.

 

“Dean?” Sam asks, grabbing his shoulders. “Are you okay?”

 

Snapping out of his state, Dean looks blankly at his brother. “What? Yeah, Sammy, I’m fine.”

 

Sam rolls his eyes. “Come on, man. You gotta stop letting him tell you who to be.”

 

Dean shakes his head and walks past him, grabbing the fast food bag that Sam left on the table and taking a seat. “I’m not letting him do anything.”

 

“I’m just saying,” Sam says, sitting down. “One of these days I’m getting out.”

 

Dean pauses, setting down his burger. “What do you mean?”

 

“I mean I’m getting out. Of this life. Of this family.”

 

Dean squints at him, trying to get his thoughts together. “What, so you’re just fine with bailing out on family? On me? You’re own father?”

 

Sam scoffs, staring at his brother in disbelief. “Are you really standing up for him after what he just did?”

 

“You don’t understand. He... He’s gone through a lot of shit, and that messed him up real bad, Sammy. Family is family, man. And we gotta stick together.”

 

But Sam continues to shake his head. “This isn’t the family I wanna be in. I don’t wanna be surrounded by people that make me afraid constantly. This isn’t a healthy family, Dean. It’s not that hard to see.”

 

“Dad has always been there for us, Sam,” Dean argues. “You just wanna leave him? Me?”

 

Sighing, Sam rubs his face stressfully. “When, Dean? When was the last time he was there for us? The time you broke your arm on the hunt that _he_ sent you on? And he was too busy out getting wasted to take you to the hospital?”

 

“That was my fault, I was — “

 

“Or the time I mentioned college to him, and he flipped without even hearing me out?” Sam scoffs. “I mean, come on, man! This family is nothing but pain and fear and violence. And I don’t want to have anything to do with it.”

 

Dean can’t ignore the sting that comes with Sam’s words. But he doesn’t let him see it. He just nods and gets to his feet. “Well, I am so sorry, Sammy,” he spits out bitterly. “You wanna leave? Fine. Do it. Run away from this violent, scary family. It’s not like I’ve only ever been taking care of you my entire life. But yeah, I’m violent and terrifying. You should probably leave.

 

Sam huffs. “Dean. That’s not what I — “

 

But Dean is already walking away. He goes to the bathroom and slams the door behind him, locking it. He feels so small. He just wants to sink into the wall and never come out. It’s a horrible, trapped feeling. The only two people he’s cared about for most of his life, and it feels like they both hate him. He’s only ever felt like he’s had one responsibility, and that was to keep Sam safe and to take care of him. That’s all he’s ever done, but now Sam doesn’t even want to be around him?

 

Dean leans over the sink, gripping the edges tight and trying to avoid looking up at the mirror. He’d rather not see something he hates staring back at him.


	3. Bucket List

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean tries to be himself without his father around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place during the episode Faith, before they go to the faith healer!!! Bear with here, next chapter will be longer and have more action! Plus maybe a familiar face ;)

“Dean. You are literally dying. What are we doing here?”

 

Dean glances around the bar, chugging the rest of his beer. “Gotta make these last couple months count, Sammy.”

 

“But that faith healer — “

 

“Faith healers are a load of crap.”

 

Sam sighs. “We gotta try, Dean.”

 

Rolling his eyes, Dean nods. He motions for another drink, then turns back to his brother. “We will. Tomorrow. But tonight... just let me have a good time, man. I mean, I’m dying.”

 

“Are you really playing the death card?”

 

Dean grins, nodding. “Of course I’m playing the death card. You only die once.”

 

Scoffing, Sam nods. “Okay, fine. So what do you wanna do?”

 

“Well, since Dad wants us to stop looking for him — “

 

“Yeah, about that, I left him a message and — “

 

But Dean shakes his head. “No, Sam. He doesn’t wanna be found. He left us alone, he’s done with us. I’m starting to think he never even cared in the first place.” He gets to his feet, glancing around the room until his eyes land on a dark haired boy at the end of the bar, staring at him. He smirks.

 

“What are you doing?” Sam asks.

 

Dean shrugs. “I’m dying, Sammy. Might as well check some things off my bucket list.” He starts walking away, but turns around and tosses his keys to his brother. “Don’t wait up,” he says, winking.

 

Sam rolls his eyes frustrated as Dean walks away. But then he smiles. The faith healer can wait. Dean is finally able to be who he is, and that’s all Sam’s ever wanted.

 

-

 

Dean moans, slamming the apartment door shut with his foot while wrapping his arms around this guy’s neck. He’s pretty sure he said his name was Brady.

 

It’s a tiny apartment, but it doesn’t matter that much. Brady leads him to his bedroom. His bed is just a mattress on the ground with a sheet ruffled on top of it. He’s not picky, though.

 

Brady shuts the bedroom door, pulling Dean in by his waist and lowering them onto his mattress. Brady’s on top of Dean, and Dean wraps his legs around his waist. Brady pulls away after a few moments, taking a few breaths and staring at Dean. “You know, I think you might be the prettiest guy I have ever fucked.”

 

Dean blushes, glancing away. “Shut up,” he says, pulling him back down.

 

Brady pulls away again to rip off his t-shirt, and Dean does the same, then they get back to making out.

 

It’s when Brady starts fiddling with Dean’s pants that things start to feel weird. As he tugs at the waistline of Dean’s jeans, it’s like the room starts spinning. Faces flash in his mind; Dad, Sam, Liam... And everything just feels off. So he sits up, pushing Brady away and resting his face in his hands for a moment.

 

“Dean?” Brady asks. “What are you doing?”

 

Dean shakes his head. “I’m sorry. This isn’t right.” He sighs, running his hand through his hair and reaching over to grab his shirt.

 

“What? Come on, what are you — “

 

“I’m really sorry,” Dean says again, throwing his shirt on and leaving the room as fast as he can.

 

-

 

When he walks in the motel room, Sam is just getting into bed. “Hey, how’d it go?” he asks with a big smirk on his face.

 

“Fine,” Dean says quickly, shutting the door and immediately starting to get ready to go to sleep.

 

“What’s wrong?” Sam asks. “What happened?”

 

Dean rolls his eyes. “Nothing happened... Nothing.”

 

“Wait, you didn’t...?”

 

“No, Sam! Why does it even matter so much to you, anyway?”

 

Sam rolls his eyes. “Because, dude! I want you to be happy. Or, as happy as someone can be in our life. And you can’t do that if you can’t be yourself.”

 

“I’m fine, Sammy,” Dean promises. “I’m happy enough. I know who I am, and I can be myself. I am being myself.”

 

“No you’re not.”

 

“Fine, then who am I?” Dean snaps.

 

Sam sighs, rubbing his face. “Okay. Let me just ask you this. Then I’ll let it go... If roles were reversed, and it was me questioning who I was... If I told you that I thought I liked guys, whether I was gay or bi or whatever... What would you do?”

 

Dean stays quiet, avoiding eye contact as he feels warmth trickle into his face. They’ve never addressed this problem so directly before. “I... I don’t know. I wouldn’t care, I guess. I couldn’t just hate you because of one little thing.”

 

Nodding, Sam crosses his arms over his chest. “So why can’t you think that way about yourself?”

 

Dean pauses, staring at the wall behind Sam. It seems so simple, so why is it so hard to listen to his brother? Finally he just shakes his head. “Good night, Sammy,” he says softly, climbing into his bed and curling up under the blanket.


	4. Beautiful Disgrace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Dean head to a small town in Iowa for a hunt just a few weeks before Dean’s deal is scheduled to come to a close. There, they find a familiar face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry for the slow updates!!! School is starting up soon, so I’ll try to get this story updated as regularly as possible. Anyway, hope you like this update! It’ll only get better from here!

Sam turns off the radio, finally fed up with the blaring music. “Can we maybe just talk about this?” he asks.

 

“We already did,” Dean answers before turning the music back up.

 

Sam turns it down again. “No, you did... I mean, shouldn’t we be looking for a way to get out of your deal instead of working some random vamp hunt?”

 

“We’ve already looked, Sam,” Dean says. He looks in the rear view mirror at a bruise on the side of his face from a werewolf a few days ago. It’s like he just can’t stop with the hunting. “There’s no way out of it. And I wanna spend my last few weeks taking out all the evil sons of bitches that I can. So we’re doing the hunt.”

 

When they get to Iowa, after checking into their motel, Dean leaves Sam to find some leads on where the nest is, heading to a bar a couple blocks away. It’s really small, and there are probably fifteen people there. He takes a seat at the bar, exhausted from driving, and tired of feeling so anxious all the time.

 

Sighing, Dean rubs his tired eyes.

 

“What can I get for you?” the bartender asks, a blond woman with bright blue eyes. “You look like you need something strong.”

 

Usually Dean wouldn’t think twice about hitting on her. But tonight’s not the night. “Uh, whiskey. Just keep it coming.”

 

“Sure thing.”

 

When he feels a tap on his shoulder, Dean turns to find Sam, who takes a seat next to him. “Did you find anything?”

 

Sam nods. “I think so. Both of the victims were found on the same road, right? And the only thing around that area for miles is this barn, just outside of town.”

 

Dean downs his drink and nods. “Great, let’s go.”

 

“Wait, Dean,” Sam says, stopping his brother from getting up.

 

“What? Sammy, we came here to hunt. So let’s go hunt.”

 

Sam shakes his head. “No, the nests are stronger at night. They’ll be more vulnerable during the day, so let’s just wait until tomorrow. We can have a few drinks, get a few hours of sleep and then take out the nest tomorrow. We’ll be out of town by tomorrow night.”

 

Dean rolls his eyes. “Fine.”

 

Sam orders a drink, and they sit and drink in silence for a while, up until Dean looks over and sees a pool table surrounded by men who look way too confident. He smirks, looking at Sam, who has the exact same thought process.

 

Dean starts to get up, but Sam gets up too. “Let me do it,” he says. “Come on, Dean, you got to do it last time. And the time before that.”

 

After hesitating for only a moment, Dean huffs and gets his wallet out. He gives his brother all his cash and pats his shoulder. “Make me proud, Sammy.”

 

Sam grins, turning away and putting on his drunken facade. He stumbles over to the pool table, almost tripping just as he reaches it and basically falling on top of it.

 

Dean chuckles, taking a sip of his drink. “Atta boy, Sammy,” he mutters to himself before turning back around.

 

He sits in silence for a bit, once in a while checking over on Sam, but mostly keeping to himself. Until a voice snaps him out of his bubble.

 

“Dean Winchester?”

 

Dean, taken aback, turns his stool around to find a tall guy staring down at him. That curly hair, and those dark eyes. They’re all too familiar.

 

“Liam?” he asks slowly, hesitating for just a second.

 

“Oh, my God.”

 

“Holy shit.” Dean’s mouth is practically hanging open in surprise. He’s not sure whether he should smile or cry. Something about this make him so unbelievably happy. He goes for a laugh, getting to his feet and letting Liam pull him in for a hug.

 

Liam grins, taking a good look at Dean as they pull away. “I thought I’d never see you again.”

 

“Well, here I am,” Dean says with a small smile. “It’s really good to see you.”

 

Before he can say anything else, Sam calls his name, racing over and throwing his arms up in the air victoriously. When he gets over to them, he reaches in his pocket and pulls out a wad of cash. “You’re welcome.”

 

Dean quickly takes it and shoves it in his pocket as Liam laughs. “Um, Sammy, this is Liam from senior year. Liam from senior year, this is my little brother Sam.”

 

Sam pauses, quickly looking over to Dean. “Liam? Like, The Liam?”

 

Dean nods, cheeks getting red.

 

“Oh.” Sam nods, grabbing his jacket. “Okay. Well, I’m gonna go back to the motel. I mean, I am really getting tired.” He fakes a yawn. “Gotta get some sleep.”

 

Rolling his eyes, Dean tosses Sam the keys, then turns back to Liam.

 

“So I take it he knows about senior year?” Liam asks.

 

Dean nods, sitting back down and gesturing for Liam to sit too. “Yeah. He’s kind of the one that pushed me to go to your house in the first place.”

 

“Well, thank God for Sam, then,” Liam jokes, grinning over at Dean. “So. What brings you here? I mean, it’s a small town. I would’ve known if you lived around here.”

 

“Uh, work,” Dean answers, taking a sip of his drink. “Sam and I are on the road a lot.”

 

“What do you guys do?”

 

“Pest control.”

 

Liam chuckles. “The family business, huh?”

 

Dean pauses, taken aback. “What?”

 

“Well, I just remember you telling me that your dad was in pest control.”

 

Relaxing again, Dean smiles. “Yeah. I, uh... I didn’t think you’d remember that. It was a long time ago.”

 

Liam shrugs. “When I really like someone, it’s crazy what kind of tiny details I can remember.”

 

Raising his eyebrows, Dean shakes his head in amusement. “We knew each other for, like, a week. You’ve got attachment issues.”

 

“Maybe. But you’re not a bad person to be attached to,” Liam replies smoothly. But after a moment he shakes his head, looking away. “Sorry. That was...”

 

“That was smooth. You might even be a bigger flirt than I am,” Dean comments.

 

After a few moments, Liam sighs. “So, we kind of left on a bad note last time we saw a each other.”

 

“Yeah.” Dean rubs his face. “Look, I’m sorry about everything that happened between us. I had some... unresolved issues. Hell, I still do.”

 

“I mostly meant... Your dad,” Liam says. “I never forgot about you, I never forgot how much you meant to me, and I certainly didn’t forget seeing those bruises. Or how your father treated you. Are you... okay now? Is he okay with who you are?”

 

Not wanting to talk about his dad at all, Dean just nods. “Yeah... Yeah, we’re fine.”

 

Liam squints. “Then what’s that?” he asks, pointing to his head.

 

Dean follows his finger and gingerly touches the bruise on his face. “It’s nothing. I got in a fight and — “

 

“Dean, come on. If your dad can’t just accept — “

 

“My dad has been dead for two years!” Dean says, staring to raise his voice. He pauses, taking time to calm down. “And there’s nothing to accept. I’m not... I’m not that person anymore. I was just a dumb kid.”

 

Liam is silent for a moment before nodding. “Right. Okay. I’m... I’m really sorry, I didn’t — “

 

“It’s fine,” Dean assures, sighing. “Uh, I should probably go. I have a job in the morning, and...” He takes a moment to get to his feet and grab his jacket, putting some cash on the bar before turning back to him. “Liam, it was really good seeing you.”

 

“Let me walk you home,” Liam immediately insists.

 

Dean chuckles. “No, no, it’s fine. I can take care of myself.”

 

“I know you can, but...” Liam sighs. “Come on. Which motel are you staying at?”

 

“Just the Super 8,” Dean answers, shrugging.

 

“Great, it’s just a couple blocks. Let’s go.”

 

Knowing there’s no way to get out of this, Dean reluctantly agrees and follows Liam out the door.

 

“So,” Liam starts as they begin their walk. “Tell me about yourself.”

 

Dean can’t help but laugh. “Not much to tell.”

 

“You’re really not good at this, Winchester,” Liam huffs.

 

“Good at what?”

 

Liam rolls his eyes. “Talking? I haven’t seen you in years! I wanna catch up.”

 

“Sorry. When I meet someone in a town I go to, I usually never see them again. They forget about me after a while, and I go on my way. It’s just how the job works.”

 

Scoffing, Liam shakes his head. “So you thought I would just forget about you?”

 

Dean nods. “Yeah, pretty much.”

 

“No, you can’t get rid of me that easily.” Liam steps closer as they walk, but is careful not to be so close that they’re touching. Just the fabric of their jackets rub against each other.

 

Dean looks around, anxious, as if he’s waiting for his father to jump out of the bushes and tell him what a disgrace he is. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

Liam licks his lips nervously, looking away. He looks shy for the first time. “You were... The first person I ever really cared about, Dean. You don’t forget someone that makes you feel that way.”

 

Dean blushes deeply, smiling. “Dude, you knew me for a week.”

 

“Two weeks and 3 and half days, actually,” Liam corrects.

 

That leaves Dean speechless, and he looks straight ahead again. This man is such a sweetheart, so why does he take such an interest in Dean?

 

“I just thought you should know that before you leave town and I never see you again,” Liam says softly.

 

This is when they get to the motel, and they stop in front of the door to his room. “I’m really glad I did get to see you again, Liam,” Dean says, looking up at him. It’s good closure before his year is finally up. He really wants to reach over and hug him, but he’s afraid he’ll never let go.

 

“Me too.” Liam smiles down at Dean, lips pursed. “Maybe I’ll see you around... As they say, once is an accident, twice is coincidence, but three times is fate.”

 

Dean can’t help but laugh at that, throwing his head back. “I’m pretty sure no one says that.”

 

Liam grins. “Maybe not... Bye, Dean.”

 

“Bye, Liam.”

 

Dean quickly heads into the motel room, shutting the door behind him before turning around to find Sam grinning. “So? How’s Liam?”

 

Dean shrugs. “He’s fine.”

 

“Why are you back so soon?” Sam asks. “You had a lot to catch up on.”

 

“So I could catch a few hours of sleep before we find that nest tomorrow,” Dean answers. “And besides, it’s not like I could really catch up with him. Not truthfully, anyway.”

 

Sam sighs. “Did you at least... exchange numbers or something?”

 

“No, Sam. We just talked. And then I came home.” Dean huffs. “Why are you so invested in what I do?”

 

“I just want you to be happy,” Sam answers sadly.

 

Dean takes a moment to calm himself down, trying not to snap at his brother impulsively. “Happy?” he asks, scoffing. “I’m dying in a few weeks. I’m going to hell. It’s a little too late to try my hand at happiness.”

 

Sighing, Sam slumps over. “I just thought maybe you’d wanna get some things off your bucket list, I don’t know...”

 

Dean rolls his eyes, quickly looking away. “Okay, that’s enough. I’m going to bed now.”

 

He refuses to say another word, climbing into bed and turning away.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think so far!


End file.
